The Hash Slinging Slasher

Hello, I’m Allistair Cooke and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.

Even though I am dead, today, we pay homage to and recognize the genius that is Spongebob Squarepants and the classic Halloween thriller, “The Hash Slinging Slasher.”

In our episode today, our absorbent, yellow hero cheerfully agrees to work all night for Mr. Krab, the owner of the diner, The Krusty Krab.

Working through the night with his colleague Squidward, without customers, the bored and sleepy Squidward decides to spin a yarn about a demented night-shift fry cook who had an unfortunate life and returns to this day, to haunt and terrify his victims. Let’s watch!

The Whistler

I believe it was Rooster Cogburn who said, “DAMN a man that whistles.”

I am already late for work and I am patiently waiting for the elevator in the building where I work. So are ten other people. Finally, out of the four elevators available, the door to one finally opens and all ten of us scramble to get on. Just before the doors close, this happy go-lucky gentleman gets on, whistling a peppy show tune. I think it’s “Luck Be a Lady” from Guys and Dolls.

I work on the 8th floor. People are getting off on every floor. This is going to be a long elevator ride and this guy is intent on serenading all of us with his whistling prowess.

As I get off, he’s still warbling and doing tremolos and showing off his two-and-a-half octave range. Yes, he is quite a whistler. As I exit on the 8th floor, he is still whistling a happy tune.

My fantasy is that as the doors close, some warning klaxon goes off and the whistler plummets eight stories to his death in a pile of heated, twisted metal.

Now, I know that sounds a tad harsh. But, if the whistler were to somehow survive his death plunge, he would have to answer me this: If whistling is so great and so wonderful, and if everybody loved it so much, why aren’t there any whistling concerts?

I rest my case — and rest in peace, oh great whistler.

Just Because

You rush home from work and visit a moonlit beach… just because.

You’re driving a country road, late in the day, and pull over to watch the sunset…

Things didn’t turn out the way you expected, but you still envision happiness…

You long for a Caribbean vacation when the days are short…

The kids are crazy, but you want one more…

You haven’t smoked in years and feel like lighting up…

The world gets more complicated, but you try to keep up…

You love that song, so you play it again…

We accept that “it is what it is”, but we want something different…

Relationships don’t last, but friendships do…

just because.

Good News | Bad News

You were at the greatest party ever | You just woke up on the floor

Work is fast-paced and dynamic | Work is fast-paced and dynamic

You buy that fancy, new car | You have to make the payments

You win the lottery | You have to pay the taxes

Your girlfriend sleeps over | There’s makeup on the pillow cases

Dinner is the best you ever had | The bill is the most you ever paid

You fly to a resort in a warm, sunny place | Your luggage is in Cleveland

Life is a long, strange trip | Life is a long, strange trip

Time for a Donut

The New Year’s resolutions are locked in. Three weeks into the new year, you now have quiet permission to have a donut.

If you go to Dunkin’ Donuts, be on the lookout for the rarely seen, legendary Butternut Blueberry donut. Clocking in at 420 calories… well, let me just say this: If you’re going down, go down in flames with this beauty.

Me, I’m a jelly donut guy. Pedestrian? Yes. But don’t skimp me on the jelly. There’s nothing I hate more than having to eat half the donut before hitting the jelly load. You’ve heard of road rage? It’s nothing compared to not enough jelly rage. Wars have started that way, I think.

Props have to be given to be given to the Krispy Kreme old-fashioned glazed donut. This is still the gold standard in the industry. Get ’em hot. Look for the Hot Light. No we’re not at DEFCON 5, but hot donuts ARE coming out of the oven. At 190 calories, I think you can have two.

You know, the late fitness guru Jack LaLanne used to say he can’t die because it would ruin his image. Before he died though, he said “A lot of people have a donut and coffee for breakfast. That diet would kill your dog. Why do that to yourself?”

I tell ya why Jacko: It tastes really good. And, it’s only one day. Still, saying that has me wallowing in a sea of guilt. Would you believe it? Would you believe a pond? Okay, a puddle.

If I may digress a moment – and I will – we have a robot on Mars. We have lasers to repair eyesight; remove tattoos and body hair and lord knows what else. We have virtual reality retina displays. And yet, yet we can’t invent a healthy donut.

The dream of a healthy donut will probably not be realized in my lifetime. Until then I give myself – and you, gentle reader – permission to eat a donut tomorrow.

One jelly and a large regular coffee please.